I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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