I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
