Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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