Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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