Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
