i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
