Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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