i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
