got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
