i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
