I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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