you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
