just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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