Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
