FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
