Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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