His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
