five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
