i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
