This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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