Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
