I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
