when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
