did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
