Christians are straight up FREAKS
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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