I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
