instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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