He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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