no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
