im six kinds of drunk right now
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
