So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
