the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
