she looked like the before picture.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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