I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
