i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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