btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Sober January is a disaster.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
