you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
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