1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Randomize
