i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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