Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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