Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
