if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
