I could make wine with my vomit
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
