Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Drake has all the answers
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
