Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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