Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
