Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
