I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
