I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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