I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
